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The Why Behind it All

“Fear of judgement can end your most creative impulses. It can cause you to go against yourself.”

From the Actor by Don Miguel Ruiz.

I feel this so strong. I don’t even have words. THIS. SO much in my life has been motivated by fear of judgment. So much much that it is difficult to look back and find moments that were about anything else. Some choices are made to avoid negative judgement. The rest seem to come from a place of hoping to obtain positive judgements. I am constantly bobbing and weaving. Doing my best to miss moments of disapproval and working even harder to gain approval. My choices and words are rarely about me. It’s about who is in front of me and what they are and are not expecting from me. I have been a “pleaser” for so long that I don’t even recognize it as an action anymore. I’ve convinced myself that this is who I actually am. These choices are from me for me. In reality I am always just bending and molding into a shape that makes my current audience comfortable.

I have more in me to let shine. A whole person actually. Every time I contort myself into expectations I am not showing up as myself. I’m covering up in fear. When I do this I rob my audience and myself of the rich character I was created to display.

This brings me back to a question I was asking myself earlier this week. What is my why? What is the why behind every word out of my mouth. Every movement from my body, every thought I allow to run through my head? What is the motivation behind it? Is it to show up vulnerable, raw, and real? Or is it to blend in? To avoid any friction? Or is it to gain acceptance and approval?

Only my authenticity is of any real benefit to me and to you.

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